Joke of the day - Meat Loaf -- The President's Forum

Original Sin · Status: Offline

Joke of the day

Heat · Status: Offline

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he
starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find
out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother
of six?". His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four."

FALLEN ANGEL1000 · Status: Offline

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we

grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you

don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more

appropriate, such as Children's World."

If you said "water," proceed to question 3

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????

If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,

you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated

If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator --

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!

Original Sin · Status: Offline

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing
in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around
the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp
had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall..

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass
lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill,
or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and
asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,

"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you
come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

sandra321 · Status: Offline

very funny i cant think of anything right now but will head back

Heat · Status: Offline

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Heat · Status: Offline

It seems that two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and scratches at the windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,"shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the Nuns."Now what?" screams the first nun.

"Show him your cross!" says the second.So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:

"GET OFF MY F***ING BONNET!!"

vickip · Status: Offline

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,

"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates.

Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims,

"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Heat · Status: Offline

What do you call a group of women in a field of vibrators?

Squatters

vickip · Status: Offline

PASS THE SAUCE

Chinese Food Song

Original Sin · Status: Offline

3 men standing in front of God

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

vickip · Status: Offline

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

http://www.mtbireland.com/dodge.html

vickip · Status: Offline

How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Original Sin · Status: Offline

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"