Okay, so this is not exactly new, but it's worth a shared laugh.
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY... This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Telephone operators have a tough job. On one occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.”
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Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Thanks for those, they are very funny! I feel like that every time I go to the gym! When I arrive I think how nice and friendly everyone is. Then after an hour of sweat and tears I wanna rip somebody's head off (and it's usually the stick-thin trainer!).
Batgirl xxxxx
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I'd pull the sun down from the sky to light your darkest night.
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nu,de and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well endowed young man comes up.
With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your windshield.
While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car. They are very good at this.
They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday--I couldn't find them on Sunday.
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Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Someday I've gotta travel on the Tube - can these be true?
Actual announcements from the Tube
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train first! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow-and-backside syndrome -- not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Please mind the closing doors ...” The doors close ... The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close ... "Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay; apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly ... usually in bits."
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Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
A few years ago when I was in a Toowoomba Shopping Centre newsagency I was impressed how words can be misconstrued. I was browsing through the books, when I came upon a Microwave Cook Book. I flipped through some of the pages looking at the recipes and came
upon one for potatoes. It said, "wash potatoes and prick." I burst out laughing and putting the book down, walked out of the newsagency.
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Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
There was a fellow who had an accident driving his car and getting wedged between two houses, one owned by the Ball family and the other owned by Mr and Mrs Smith. Fortunately for him, he was pulled out by the Smiths!
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Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
